No Need for a Big and Beautiful Woman
by Galaxy1001D
Summary: It's just a normal day at the Masaki house...until an ion storm heralds the arrival of a new buxom female from outer space. Worse yet, Tenchi is actually interested in this Mary Sue! Can the girls take the competition? TU continuity. Rated 'T' for themes.
1. No Need For an Ion Storm

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter One: No Need for an Ion Storm_

Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in rural Japan. Soon after puberty began transforming his young body, a host of interstellar beauties fell out of the sky and fell in love with him.

Nearly every type of woman that a boy his age could be interested in was there. There was Ryoko, the _femme fetale_ whose long angular form and feral nature advertised an unbridled sexuality. There was Ayeka, the princess, whose slim body and innocent face masked a desire every bit equal to Ryoko's. The blonde and tanned Mihoshi was the archetype of sexy stereotypes with her long legs and shapely figure. The darling Sasami appeared to be only eight years old, yet the delicate girl took it on herself to cook and clean for the household. The redheaded Washu had the appearance of an eleven-year-old girl combined with the nerve of a feisty grandma. The teal haired Kiyone combined a pretty face with the body of an athlete and her eyes could send any man into a frenzy of desire.

Strangely, the boy did not react with the fury of a dog during the mating season or the guile of a fox in the henhouse. Instead, he respected each and every one of them, and attempted to treat his desirable housemates as sisters rather than girlfriends. Indeed, it was a credit to his character that he had the willpower to remain a gentleman at all times, and avoid even the most harmless flirting, lest jealousy destroy the fragile harmony of the household.

As a matter of fact, his denial of sexual urges of any kind was seen as both admirable and puzzling to his female housemates, and not a little frustrating to the more zealous of them. The boy's father, a widower named Nobuyuki, was happy to have the beautiful intergalactic boarders at his house. It appealed to his chivalrous side that was gallant and helpful to the fair sex, and his voyeuristic side that enjoyed observing a group of beautiful sexually frustrated females competing for his son's attention.

The death of a spouse can have a profound psychological effect on the survivor. In Nobuyuki's case, it was an uncanny desire to observe slender baby faced women and their attempts to seduce his son. No matter how much chaos it caused in his house at the Masaki shrine, it never got old.

One morning, Nobuyuki met his father in law Katsuhito while walking the forest path that led to his morning commute.

"My, my," said Katsuhito with a twinkle in his eye. "You look happy."

"Oh boy, I sure am, Dad," Nobuyuki smiled as the old man fell into step with him. "I think that they're lesbians!"

The old man shook his head in feigned disgust. "You are always saying that about Mihoshi and Kiyone."

"No-no," Nobuyuki shook his head. "Not them, Father. Ayeka and Ryoko. You can cut the tension with a knife."

Katsuhito could no longer keep a straight face. "Come now," he grinned, "you can't really believe that. The way they fight over Tenchi so much?"

"Yeah, but this morning I noticed something," Nobuyuki's voice became conspiratory, "I noticed that Ayeka is always getting jealous over _Ryoko_. All this time I thought that they were competing for Tenchi, but now I'm starting to think that Ayeka is jealous because Ryoko is attempting to two-time her."

"Oh?" Katsuhito became interested in spite of himself. "What makes you say that?"

"Have you ever heard Ayeka confess her love to Tenchi?" Nobuyuki asked him. "Has she ever scolded Tenchi for spending time with Ryoko? Ayeka is always getting in Ryoko's business, not Tenchi's. Think about it."

Katsuhito broke out laughing. "Now that you mention it, a lot of the arguments over Tenchi could go either way. Ayeka could be possessive of Tenchi, or Ryoko. This love triangle could actually be a triangle, not a simply a 'greater than' sign. I wonder what Tenchi thinks about it."

"I sure hope Tenchi _likes_ girls," said his worried son in law.

"Aren't you being a bit of a hypocrite?" Katsuhito scolded. "You seemed thrilled with the idea of lesbians living under your roof."

"That's when they were young and sexy girls," Nobuyuki wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. "Believe it or not, I want grandchildren. You got a grandson. Don't I get the same thing?"

"You worry too much," Katsuhito shrugged. "I'm sure that all of this is just in your mind. Sexual boundaries are different for women than for men, and perhaps Tenchi hasn't met the right girl."

"'Met the right girl'?" Nobuyuki repeated incredulously. "There are _six_ beautiful girls in that house! What kind of freak does he have to be not to find one that strikes his fancy?"

"What kind of freak do you have to be count little Sasami in there with the rest of them?" Katsuhito chided.

"Sasami is the best wife material in there," Nobuyuki shrugged, allowing his male chauvinism some freedom after being in a house full of women. "She cooks, she cleans, she never complains, and she's a born caregiver. I know which girl would make the best mother for my grandchild, I'll tell you that!"

"She would make a good mother indeed," Katsuhito nodded. "She certainly takes care of all of you." The old man rubbed his neck self-consciously. "Between you and me, I've always had a soft spot for Kiyone. She has a good head on her shoulders."

"You're just saying that because she reminds you of your dearly departed wife," Nobuyuki joked. "I've seen the photos. In the old days, she was a real looker!"

"She was indeed," Katsuhito became wistful, then glanced at his son in law with a mischievous eye. "Still, she was never an athlete like Kiyone is. Then I'd have to be the legendary warrior Yosho not to be intimidated!" They both laughed at the inside joke.

"So do you think Tenchi will marry Kiyone?" Nobuyuki asked.

"Are you kidding?" Katsuhito retorted. "Mihoshi would be heartbroken!"

The two men shared some guilty laughter and then became silent.

"Seriously father," Nobuyuki's voice sounded concerned. "Do you think that there's a girl out there that Tenchi will like?"

"You can believe in alien spacecraft and not that your son will find the right girl?" the old man shook his head in exaggerated disgust. "Shame-shame. Well, good look on your business trip. See you in a few days."

At that moment an ion storm pulsed through the solar system, interfering with the signals of all of the artificial satellites orbiting the Earth. Even more disruption was caused to the hyperdrive of a passing spaceship. The ship broke through the barrier between dimensions and found itself careening towards a bluegreen world that was the third planet from the system's sun. Unable to regain control of her vessel, the pilot set the controls of the tiny craft to home in on the closest beacon used by a starship or base used by the Galactic Union. As luck would have it, the sensors found a Galaxy Police beacon on a mountainous island near the planet's largest land mass.

On the planet's surface, there was a house at the bottom of the mountain that was the Masaki shrine. In this house lived the boy. (Remember the boy? I believe that I mentioned a boy.) In the living room was…(no, not the boy; we will get to him later) a _woman_ with teal colored hair wearing a white sweater black leggings, and a white miniskirt. Around her head was an orange bandana, that clashed horribly with her outfit. On her ear was an earring that looked like a tiny red sphere. A red sphere that was blinking with a crimson light and making quiet electronic beeping noises.

"Mihoshi!" the woman announced to the bronze skinned, blue-eyed blonde sitting on the couch in front of the television set. "We've got an alert!" The woman glanced at a device on her wrist that emitted holographic data at the touch of a button. "_Yagami_'s sensors have detected a spaceship was knocked out of hyperspace!" she gasped. "That ship is out of control! We've got to launch _Yagami_ and look for survivors!"

"Now wait a minute Kiyone," her blonde companion protested. "You heard what Washu said! It won't be safe to go into space for another six months! The gamma rays from those two colliding supernovas are going to keep the solar system isolated for half a year! I'm not going up there for anything!"

"You big chicken," Kiyone snarled. "We took an oath to protect and serve, remember? It's your fault that the apartment burned down and we have to live here with Mr. Masaki! We keep losing jobs here on Earth, I'm not going to lose my job with the Galaxy Police!"

"Okay, okay," Mihoshi pouted. "I just don't think that it's a good idea to go up there. We won't help the survivors by wrecking _Yagami _or getting ourselves killed. Let's see if Washu can help us before we risk our lives."

"I hate to admit it, but I think that you're right." Kiyone nodded. "Let's ask Washu and see if she's got anything…"

"RYOKO!" a masculine voice shouted. "Get out of the bathroom!"

"I just thought that you might want me to wash your back sweetie-pie!" a feminine voice answered. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"No, I would not!" the boy retorted. (Yes, _this_ is the boy that was referred to in the first paragraph.)

A second woman joined the argument. "Ryoko! You stop harassing Lord Tenchi this instant!"

"Sorry Ayeka," Ryoko chortled, "but we're not on planet Jurai now. Your royal title holds no weight here."

"You ungrateful ogre!" Ayeka scolded. "I grant you a royal pardon for your crimes and this is the thanks I get?"

"Everybody makes mistakes in life," Ryoko teased. "Just try to think of it as a learning experience."

"What are you two doing in my bathroom?" Tenchi protested. "I'm trying to take a bath! I thought that when a woman opens the door it opens onto that Turkish bath that Washu made!"

"We can't access that dimension right now, Tenchi my love," Ryoko explained. "It seems that thanks to the ion storm we're just going to have to bathe together!"

"Ryoko, you've got to be kidding!" Tenchi implored struggling to keep his towel over himself.

"Ryoko!" Ayeka growled. "If you think that I'm going to let you take a bath with Lord Tenchi…"

"You can join us if you want," Ryoko offered. "It will be a tight squeeze, but I think that if we really try there's room for all three of us in this tub."

"Oh!" Ayeka gasped in exasperation. "You are so vulgar! How do I put up with you?"

"Is it because I'm so cute?" the wild haired woman batted her eyes at the purple-haired princess.

"Argh!" the princess grunted in frustration. "You're just impossible!"

Clutching his towel around his lower extremities, Tenchi dashed out of the bathroom and down the hall.

"Boy," Mihoshi giggled self-consciously. "Things are never dull in _this _house!"

Kiyone sighed. "Come on, let's go talk to Washu."

The two Galaxy Police officers knocked on the door under the stairs. A window appeared in solid wooden door and the face of a red-haired girl with green eyes appeared. "Sorry girls," the image shook her head. "Transporting to _Yagami_ would be a death sentence with all the ion and gamma interference right now. You two are still grounded."

"Washu," Kiyone implored. "_Yagami_'s sensors have detected a ship in trouble. We've got to rescue it!"

"Oh," the face disappeared and the door creaked open to reveal a short woman with a childlike figure with flaming red hair. It gave the illusion that Washu was standing on a stepladder before she opened the door. "That _is_ an emergency," The redhead agreed. "Let's see what we can do."

One the other side of the door was the impossibly large complex that was Washu's lab. Storing the laboratory in another dimension was handy for reasons of safety as well as space. The girls never discovered how the diminutive genius constructed such a vast structure that defied the laws of Newtonian physics. The little genius was sitting on a pillow that was just hovering at knee level without any means of support. Her hands played across a holographic keyboard as her eyes looked at a hologram of a monitor screen.

"Hmm," the genius pondered. "I can boost the power of my lab's real world interface and create a beacon for the space ship to home in on. I've got the parts of a tractor beam somewhere around here that I could assemble to catch it as it comes down. Either that or it's going to have to aim for the lake and hope for the best."

Mihoshi put her hand to her bottom lip in concern. "Oh my! An emergency landing in the nearby lake! I sure wouldn't want to have to do that! It sounds dangerous!"

Kiyone couldn't help but retort. "Haven't you crashed a spaceship around here already?"

"Only once," Mihoshi said defensively.

Kiyone just crossed her arms and nodded. Unlike Ayeka and Ryoko she decided to pick her battles carefully.

_NEXT: No Need for a Visitor!_


	2. No Need for a Visitor

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter Two: No Need for a Visitor!_

Washu and the others were outside on the patio overlooking the lake outside the house. The fiery little redhead had a strange device that looked almost like a cross between a blunderbuss and a Christmas light display in her arms.

Washu looked though a scope and pointed the dangerous looking object into the sky. "Okay!" she announced. "I've got a bead on 'em! Get with your emergency team partners in case something goes wrong!"

"Uh…" A bead of sweat trickled from Tenchi's brow. "'Go wrong?' What's the worst that could happen?"

"The spaceship could land on us instead of in the lake," Washu replied, "squashing us like bugs…"

"I'm sorry I asked," Tenchi murmured.

"If the antimatter in the vessel's crystalloid fusion reactor explodes, it would blow a hole in Japan and create a cloud that would block out the sun and cause an ice age that would kill almost all life on Earth…"

"I'm sorry I asked!" Tenchi shouted while waving his arms.

"…just like the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs…"

"Hey, cut it out already!" Tenchi fought the impulse to grab the little scientist by the shoulders and shake her. "Worldwide Armageddon. We get it, just focus on the task at hand, okay?"

Washu glanced over her shoulder and giggled. She adjusted the modified headset that gave her a hands free telephone connection. "Azaka! Kamadakie! Are you ready?"

Floating high above them was a strange creature that looked like a robot made of wood instead of metal. To be precise, it looked like a log with a blue glyph painted in the front and had a matching blue circular lens above the glyph that glowed when it spoke. "Azaka! Standing by!" It rumbled in a deep booming voice.

On the other side of the lake was a similar being that was nearly identical, except that it had a different glyph painted on the front, one that was red. Its red circular lens glowed as it responded in a high-pitched squeaky voice. "Kamadakie! Standing by!"

"Okay, you two," Washu announced into her headset. "I'm counting on you to catch the ship if I don't. We've got to get it on the first try, understand?"

"Yes, ma'am!" they logs chorused.

"Oh my!" Mihoshi stood behind Washu trembling so much that she nearly dropped her first aid kit. "I'm so nervous! I hope nobody gets hurt!"

"I hope our visitor is friendly," Ayeka muttered.

"I hope our visitor likes Japanese food," said Sasami.

"I hope our visitor isn't prettier than me," Ryoko fretted. She put her hands on her hips indignantly when the others turned to give her strange looks. "What?" she protested, "Do you know how much I spend on beauty aids having to compete with five of you? The last girl to drop out of the sky was almost as sexy as me!"

"Wait a minute!" Ayeka frowned. "What do you mean by that? Are you implying that those of us who landed on Earth before Kiyone aren't as attractive as you are?"

"Oh, not even close," Ryoko made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "Honestly, most of you guys are no competition. Out of all you only Kiyone can compete, and even then only because her pants are so tight, they look like they were painted on with a spray can."

"Say what?" blushed a mortified Kiyone, who was, in fact wearing her formfitting Galaxy Police uniform. The trousers _were_ rather tight.

"Oh wow," Mihoshi, who was clad in her pink sweater and tan slacks nodded. "You are so right, Ryoko. Kiyone's pants are so tight they remind me of my first anatomy class!"

"What do you mean?" Sasami asked. "You mean that bulge in the front?" She pointed innocently at the teal-haired Galaxy Police officer. "But I thought every woman had that!"

"Don't stare at it, Sasami!" Ayeka scolded. "It's not polite to point," she sneered at Ryoko, "or _talk_ about it for that matter!"

"Er um, excuse me," stammered the humiliated Kiyone. "I'm going to go change." With that, she ran into the house and shut the door behind her.

Ryoko smiled mischievously. "Point for me, I think," she smirked.

"Ryoko!" Tenchi scolded. "That was cruel."

"Yeah, you're right," Ryoko nodded. "That _was_ mean to Nobuyuki wasn't it? Your father loves it when she wears her Galaxy Police uniform."

"That's not what I meant…" Tenchi stammered. "I mean that's beside the point… Oh forget it."

"Two for me," Ryoko smiled evilly.

"Just ignore her, Lord Tenchi," Ayeka crossed her arms and turned her head away from the golden-eyed space pirate. "She's just trying to get attention. If you ignore her, maybe she'll go away."

"Maybe _you_ should go away, Princess," Ryoko clenched her fist and growled.

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response," Ayeka closed her eyes and lifted her chin in a gesture of disdain.

"Oh yeah?" Ryoko sneered. "Well respond to this!" She positioned her hand as if holding an invisible volleyball, and pulses of glowing pink energy began to coalesce into a sphere of power.

"Cut it out you guys!" Washu snapped. "I'm getting something! Here it comes!"

With that, the redhead's companions audibly and simultaneously drew a breath and looked up into the sky. For a moment only the sound of the wind rustling through the trees and electronic blips from Washu's device could be heard. Then a whistling sound was heard. A roar accompanied it, as if a World War Two dive-bomber was chasing a giant bottle rocket.

"Okay!" Washu announced. "Azaka! Kamadakie! Get ready! Like I said, we only have one chance at this, so let's get it right the first time!"

"Yes ma'am!" the logs chorused.

"All right," Washu squinted through the scope on her portable tractor beam. "I've got a lock on it. Here it comes…"

In the sky above the lake a glowing object that looked uncomfortably like a missile careened towards the Masaki house at dizzying speed.

"Okay!" Washu shouted. "Go! Go! Go!"

Washu pulled the trigger on her device and a glowing semitransparent beam shot out of the horn at the end of her gun barrel and into the sky to strike the falling spacecraft. At the same time, identical beams of light where shot out of the logs floating in midair above the lake creating a three way tractor beam to catch the errant vessel.

"We got it!" Washu cheered. "Okay, let's gently lower it into the lake and push it up to the dock."

"Well what do you know?" Ryoko shrugged. "I guess those Jurai guardians can be useful once in a while, as long a the right person is giving them orders."

"What do you mean by that?" Ayeka snapped. "I'm not going to let that one pass!"

"I'm sorry, Ayeka," Ryoko teased. "I thought you weren't dignifying my words with a response."

The argument was forgotten when the red-hot spacecraft touched the water and sent up a cloud of boiling steam. The ship looked like a giant metallic egg decorated with hatches on the sides, sensors and intake vents in the front, and barrel shaped engines in the back. All in all, it was almost as big as the house the Masaki's lived in.

As the ship lazily drifted towards the patio next to the lake, Kiyone dashed out of the house to join the others. Although she still wore the top part of her Galaxy Police uniform, her bottom half was covered by a white miniskirt, black leggings and white boots. "What happened?" the teal-haired Galaxy Police officer huffed as she jogged up to them. "Did I miss anything?"

"No Kiyone," Mihoshi smiled, "you're just in time!"

A sphincter like hatch irised open to reveal a squat spacesuited figure. It couldn't have been much taller than Washu out of that bulky spacesuit, but it was hard to tell. It lumbered out and removed its opaque helmet to reveal a mane of blood red hair.

"Boy howdy!" a cheerful feminine voice greeted. "Don't thet jest beat all! Howdy y'all! Ah'm Mary Sue Starwalker! Pleased ta meet'cha!"

As one the housemates gasped. Several sweatdrops appeared at the sides of their foreheads.

Mary Sue had a round happy face, her pale skin marred by freckles. She reminded Ryoko of a tubby little chipmunk, for her dimpled cheeks grinned at the group as if they were the opening act for a major band. Her auburn hair was parted in the middle and her hazel eyes shone with mischief.

"Say folks," Mary Sue strode up to the group. "Could y'all help me out of this here space suit? It sure is a devil to git off!"

"What?" Mihoshi blinked. "Oh sure," she smiled. "I'd be happy to.

"Thanks, darlin'," grinned Mary Sue. "You're th' greatest!"

As the suit came off the housemates got a better look at their guest. Mary Sue was an inch or two taller than Washu, but from there the similarities ended. While Washu's slender form made her body seem childlike and underdeveloped, Mary Sue's buxom figure exaggerated her body's sexual maturity. Her hourglass figure, Ryoko decided, could hold two hours. She was dressed in an old style European outfit, complete with corset, poofy and lacy dress, and swashbuckler style boots. She even had a scabbard to hold what appeared to be a fencing foil and baldric that made her appeared to be a fan girl dressed to go to a _Pirates of the Caribbean_ convention.

"Well thank'ee for gettin' me outta thet mess, ladies," said the ever-grinning Mary Sue. "So who do ah gots teh thank fer savin' meh skin?"

"Oh," Mihoshi started. "I'm Mihoshi Kuramitsu. I work for the Galaxy Police, and this is my partner, Kiyone Makibi."

"Nice boots," Mary Sue greeted Mihoshi's beleaguered partner. "Do they come in red?"

"Er heh-heh," A blushing Kiyone chuckled and extended her hand. "Pleased to meet you."

"This is the space pirate Ryoko," Mihoshi gestured to the cyan-haired Ryoko.

"Hi," Ryoko nodded. "How are you?"

"Don't thet jest beat all," chuckled Mary Sue, causing her chest and her rump to jiggle. "Th' space pirate and a couple of Galaxy Police officers. There really ought'a be uh good story behind thet!"

"Don't you know it," winked Ryoko.

"And here is Ayeka from the planet Jurai," Mihoshi introduced the lavender-haired lady.

"How do you do?" Ayeka asked in her most polite tones.

"Princess Ayeka from th' planet Jurai?" Mary Sue was impressed. "Why, after you deposed th' fake Emperor Yosho, you jest disappeared! Ah reckoned yuh got assassinated or somethin'!"

"Urk!" Ayeka gasped. Princesses never like to hear the words 'assassinated' or 'deposed'. "Well, until the political situation stabilizes, it was decided that I would be…erm…on vacation," she stammered. That was stupid, Ayeka groaned inwardly. Why didn't I just say that I was taking a trip?

"And this is her sister, Sasami," Mihoshi gestured to the blue-haired child.

"Hello," smiled the young princess.

"Well, ain't you jest as cute as a button!" Mary Sue bounced over to Sasami's side and pinched her cheeks. "Why ah could jest eat you all up!"

Sasami grasped Mary's hands and emitted a high-pitched screech.

"And this is the scientist Washu of course," Mihoshi indicated the redhead.

"Hi," said an amused Washu.

"Washu?" blinked Mary Sue. "Theh mad scientist? Yuh gotta be joshin' me! Fer real?"

"Mm-hm," Washu nodded. "That's right."

"Oh!" Mihoshi gasped as the Juraian guardians floated over the group. "I almost forgot! Here are Ayeka's guardians, Azaka and Kamadakie! They were named after the two knights who are serving as regents on Jurai."

"Hello," Azaka's deep voice boomed as his blue light lit up.

"How do you do?" Kamadakie said in his high-pitched voice as his red light flashed in time with his words.

"Wow, you shore are ah bunch of colorful characters ez ah ever did see!" Mary exclaimed. "But who all's thet shy feller beck there?"

"Hi!" yelped a blushing and flustered Tenchi. "I'm Menchi Tasaki! I mean Tenchi Masaki! Wow! I'm thrilled to meet you Mary Sue! You've got to be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"

The sun was blotted out by dark storm clouds and lightning illuminated the forested valley that was the home to the Masaki Shrine. Ayeka's eyes rolled back into her head as her knees collapsed under her. Ryoko lost all color and stood as still as a pillar of salt, her face exhibiting all the horror of a tax audit.

"Well!" chuckled Mary Sue as she strutted like a runway model over to Tenchi and causing her exaggerated femininities to shimmy and jiggle. "Ain't you a charmer! Yuh ought'a watch it, Son, or my daddy 'll whup yuh!" She gave his arm a playful slap and took Mihoshi's hand to lead her into the house. "Looks like Ah'm grounded fer a while, so's I ought'a mek m'self at home here! Where do Ah sleep?"

Azaka and Kamadakie floated away to resume their posts at the gate to the Masaki property. Mary Sue, Mihoshi, Kiyone, Sasami, and Washu entered the Masaki house while Tenchi rubbed his arm and grinned like an idiot. Then he walked inside the house as in a daze.

In the meantime, Ayeka and Ryoko recovered from their shock. Their eyes were narrow slits and their mouths were thin hard lines.

"She's going to have to go," Ayeka announced.

"Oh yeah," Ryoko nodded. "No question."

_Next: No Need For A Houseguest_.


	3. No Need For A Houseguest

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Geneon/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Geneon/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter Three: No Need For A Houseguest_.

Out of curiosity, Tenchi's grandfather, Katsuhito, had walked down the steps from his house at the top of the mountain to see the Masaki house's latest tenant.

"Boy howdy!" Mary Sue declared as Katsuhito entered unnoticed. "These Juraian vittles shore take gettin' used to! I never knew there were so many different ways to cook veggies, meat, an' rice!"

Sasami giggled. "And the funny thing is, Japanese food on Earth is so very similar."

"Hm, Mihoshi swallowed her bite. "I wonder why that is?"

"Yeah," Kiyone nodded. "Makes you wonder just how long Tenchi's grandfather has been on Earth doesn't it? Makes you wonder just what kind of impact he's had on the civilization on this island."

Katsuhito turned around and walked out of the house without saying a word.

"That's true," Mihoshi nodded while Katsuhito slipped silently away. "Even the writing is just like Juraian."

"Even the spoken language is similar," Kiyone agreed.

"Say, y'all have any trouble speakin' the local language?" Mary Sue asked.

"Oh no," Mihoshi assured her. "Every Galaxy Police officer has a universal translator surgically implanted. We can speak any language in the galaxy."

Ayeka piped up. "And one of the benefits of possessing the royal power of Jurai is the ability to understand and speak the language of any being who can trace their ancestry to a planet that has trees."

"We had to give Tenchi's father, Nobuyuki, a translator when we went out into space." Kiyone added.

"How about you, Ryoko?" Mary Sue asked the pirate.

"Please," Ryoko snorted. "I can fly and walk through walls. Do you really think that I can't communicate with anybody I want to?"

"I don't use any translator," Washu snorted. "I've made it a point to study every language in the universe in order to understand the psychology of all sentient beings."

"Say what?" Mary Sue stammered.

"She means that she installed a chip in her head centuries ago," Ryoko quipped. "That 'studying languages' story sounds like hooey."

Washu stuck her tongue at Ryoko and used one finger to pull down her lower eyelid.

"Wow," Sasami smiled. "That means that thanks to the power of Jurai, I can speak any language in the universe. Isn't that amazing, Tenchi? If you don't want to return to Jurai, you can always get a job as a translator here on Earth. Tenchi?"

The Japanese boy had hardly touched his food. He just gazed fondly in Mary Sue's direction with a stupid smile on his face.

"I gotta tell yuh son, yuh ain't much of a talker but yer a terrific listener," Mary Sue teased.

"What?" Tenchi blinked as if waking up from a dream. "Yeah, listening…" He said returning to his lovelorn trance.

"Oh Lord Tenchi, could you pass the salt?" Ayeka asked him.

Tenchi just smiled at Mary Sue.

"Lord Tenchi, the salt shaker is right next to you," Ayeka persisted.

Tenchi had a dreamy look on his face.

"Lord Tenchi!" Ayeka's soft birdlike voice had become an angry screech. "Could you _please_ pass the salt?!"

"Tenchi, darlin', Ah thank Princess Ayeka wants th' salt," Mary Sue said in a quiet steady voice.

"What?" The boy seemed to awake from a trance again. "The salt?" He picked up the saltshaker and offered it to Mary. "Oh. Here you go."

Mary Sue shook her head. "No, not ta me, darlin', _Princess Ayeka_."

"Oh right… sure," he blushed as he handed it to Ayeka.

The first princess of Jurai snatched the saltshaker out of his hand and fought the impulse to toss salt in his eyes.

Tenchi ignored her and summoned the courage to speak to the buxom visitor. "So uh, Mary Sue," he pulled on his shirt collar. "You, um, married?"

"Nope," she shook her head. "Ah'm what you might call a free spirit. Can't have no man a holdin' me down. Ah gots an itchy foot an' ah loves tuh travel."

"Me too," Tenchi nodded. "I like to travel too. I've been all over."

"Since when?" Ryoko sniped. "You hate to travel. It's a miracle that you even go to school!"

"Urk!" Tenchi swallowed hard. "Erm… uh… Did I tell you that I'm the prince of Jurai? I defeated the impostor emperor in single combat!"

"Ah!" Ayeka gasped. "Lord Tenchi!" Tenchi's very existence was one of the best-kept secrets in the Juraian Empire. Should another usurper target the royal family of Jurai, at least Tenchi would be safe.

"Yore jest makin' thet up," Mary Sue waved her stubby fingers in dismissal. "Next you'll be tellin' me that yore th' real Prince Yosho a come beck from th' dead tuh defend his good name."

"No, Lord Yosho is my grandfather," Tenchi blathered as Ayeka hid her face in her hands. "He taught me all about the sword and how to harness the power of Jurai. When Kagato injured him, I had to fight in his place."

"_Shore_ yuh did, darlin'," Mary Sue smiled indulgently. "Ah'm shore y'all wuz _very_ brave about it all, too."

"No really!" Tenchi insisted. "I'm the prince that defeated Kagato! I slew the fake emperor! It was me!"

"Shore it wuz, darlin'," Mary Sue nodded politely, but it was obvious that she did not believe him.

In desperation, Tenchi turned to his interstellar harem. "Ayeka, Ryoko! Tell her the truth! I'm a handsome prince! Tell her!"

"Why Lord Tenchi, whatever do you mean?" Ayeka asked with false innocence.

"Yeah, you're Ayeka's private secretary," Ryoko lied. "You're a fifth son of a minor noble, and you don't stand to inherit anything, so your father got you a job with the civil service."

"That's brilliant, Ryoko!" Ayeka smiled. For once, Ryoko's incredible talent for making up fibs worked in Ayeka's favor.

"Now wait a minute!" Tenchi growled. "That's not true! Tell her the truth! I'm the only living descendent of Yosho, the crown prince who disappeared decades ago. That makes me a direct heir to the throne, tell her!"

Kiyone's quiet voice stopped him. "Um, Tenchi, if you were, wouldn't that be a state secret?"

"Oh yeah," Mihoshi put her finger to her chin. "That's right. It's a secret. I keep forgetting that. Oh well."

"Yes," Tenchi nodded in an exaggerated fashion. "That's right. It's a secret. But I'm sharing it with _you_, Mary Sue. I _trust_ you."

"Well thanks fer sharin' thet secret with me, darlin'," Mary Sue responded with mock sweetness. "It shore is a responsibility to know somethin' important lahk thet." She put her hand over her mouth and giggled, causing her full bosom to jiggle like a bowl of gelatin.

Ayeka and Ryoko both cackled like witches.

"I really _am_ the prince of Jurai!" Tenchi shouted with uncharacteristic intensity. "Really! I am the Juraian prince! Honestly!"

"An' Ah _honestly_ believe yuh," Mary Sue giggled. "Ah'm th' _empress_ of Jurai m'self."

"Oh what's the use?" Tenchi groaned.

Ayeka, Sasami, and Kiyone exhaled sighs of relief. It was bad enough having Mary Sue know the location of Ayeka and Sasami's hideaway without Tenchi and Yosho being exposed too.

"So Sasami," said Mary Sue in a conversational tone. "What's a princess lahk you-all bein' such a good cook? I didn't know that princesses wuz trained in culinary masterpieces."

Sasami sighed and began her narrative. "Well, I wasn't trained in statecraft like Ayeka, because I was the younger sister. I was waited on hand and foot and I wasn't allowed to do anything."

"Ah…" Mary Sue cooed sympathetically.

Sasami's eyes lit up and a grin graced her face as she entered the next part of her story. "But the servants! They got to do so many things! Cooking, and cleaning, and laundry… and just… everything! It looked like so much fun, and we had the best servants in the galaxy! They were at the top of their field! So I ordered them to train me in doing their chores."

"Yuh what?" Mary Sue giggled, causing her bosom and even her rump to jiggle and heave like Jell-O.

"That's right!" Sasami said proudly. "For a short while I trained under the masters! I had to be secret about it back on Jurai, but here I can cook and clean to my heart's content!"

"Yuh can huh?" said an amused Mary Sue.

"That's right," Sasami nodded proudly. "I can take care of the house just as good as any wife." She looked at Tenchi and her voice took on a seductive quality that was totally inappropriate for a child her age. "I think that I'd make a _real good_ wife."

"Ah'm shore yuh will, darlin," Mary Sue cackled. "Ah'm shore yuh will."

Washu couldn't resist. "Too bad everybody in this house can't say that," she teased while looking at Ayeka and Ryoko.

The purple-haired princess and the cyan-haired pirate both gulped nervously.

After lunch, the interplanetary beauties set about finding room for their latest houseguest.

"I'm sorry," Kiyone apologized to Mary Sue. "Since Mihoshi and I are staying too, there isn't as much room as there normally is."

"Yeah, a grease fire from our stove burned our apartment down," Mihoshi added. "We were so clumsy… The landlord got real mad…"

Kiyone cried out and clamped her hand over her partner's mouth. "You always say one word too many!" she shouted. A sweat drop trickled out of her orange headband as the teal-haired Galaxy Police officer blushed and her voice became conciliatory. "Heh-heh, accidents will happen."

"Hm," Washu put her hand to her chin. "This is a problem. I can't very well create anymore interdimensional chambers with that ion storm going. It is taking all of the power of my dimensional stabilizers just to maintain my laboratory."

"Can't she just stay with you?" Ryoko asked her.

"Don't be stupid," Washu retorted. "I don't even let you guys in there."

"She can sleep in my room!" Tenchi piped up.

"Ah!" Ayeka gasped. "Lord Tenchi! You don't mean it!"

Sasami interpreted the boy's remarks an entirely different way. "Wow, that sure is nice of you Tenchi!" the girl exclaimed. "You're willing to sleep on the couch to let Mary Sue have your bed. You sure are nice!"

"What?" Tenchi blinked. "The couch?" He seemed disappointed. "Sure… the couch… right… I meant the couch in the first place… right…"

Ayeka and Ryoko both growled, but for once, it wasn't at each other.

_Next: No Need For A Rival_


	4. No Need For A Rival

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Geneon/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Geneon/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter Four: No Need For A Rival_

Ryoko was one of the most famous space pirates in the known universe. The 'Robin Hood' of the spaceways, Ryoko seemed like someone the galaxy's entertainment industry had invented. She was young, beautiful, and had superpowers. She had never been brought to trial. She was almost never caught, and had always escaped within forty-eight hours of her arrest. She was the bane of police, bankers, the obscenely wealthy, bounty hunters, and criminals who had somehow gotten on her bad side. It comes as no surprise, then, that many in the galaxy speculated on what exploitable weaknesses the bewitching buccaneer possessed.

Those who knew her well, of course, were familiar with her weaknesses. Like any sentient being, she had foibles and faults just like anyone else. The one most likely to be considered an 'exploitable weakness' had to be her fondness for alcohol.

On the planet Earth, she had discovered a new alcoholic beverage; a rice wine served warm called 'sake.' Ryoko took to sake like a duck to water. It would be unkind to call her an alcoholic, but the former space pirate had been known to drink herself into unconsciousness on occasion.

Ryoko was what is known as a 'social drinker'. She believed that the buzz of an alcoholic stupor should be shared by those one is closest too. Therefore she almost always drank with company or with a drinking partner.

More times than not, her preferred drinking partner since moving to Earth was Princess Ayeka. Although neither would admit it, Ayeka was Ryoko's best friend. There was nothing they wouldn't do for each other, with the exception of being civil to one another or allow the other date Tenchi.

Their bond was strengthened by their new rival for Tenchi's affections. Mary Sue Starwalker, it seemed, had a quality that the two archrivals lacked. Now if they could only figure out what it was. When faced with a mutual problem of a personal nature, the two did what they always did. They found a private place to talk and drink themselves stupid.

In this case, they found a kiosk near the bus stop that Tenchi used when he went to school.

"Hmph!" Ryoko snorted, "I don't know what Tenchi sees in that little butterball!"

"Perhaps its her charming accent?" Ayeka offered. "Perhaps Tenchi likes girls from the southern sprial arm of the galaxy?"

"Don't make me laugh," Ryoko huffed. "We live out in the country. There are plenty of hicks right here in Okayama."

"Okay," the princess squinted in thought. "Maybe Tenchi has a thing for redheads?"

"He hasn't given Washu any special attention," the pirate pointed out. "Try again."

"Hm," Ayeka bit her lip and glanced up. "Maybe he likes spirited women with a lot of personality."

"_We_ have enough spirit and personality between us to form fifty glee clubs," Ryoko grunted while emptying her shot glass.

"Hm, this is a puzzler," Ayeka murmured while tapping her forfinger on her bottom lip. "Mary Sue certainly isn't prettier than us. What could it be?"

"Maybe he likes cowgirls," Ryoko shrugged. "Cowgirls who dress like 18th century Carribean pirates."

Ayeka giggled at the absurdity of the suggestion. The booze was starting to get to her. Then she sobered. "No seriously, Ryoko. What could it be?"

"Is it because she plays hard to get?" Ryoko wondered aloud. "Have I been too easy? Mary Sue doesn't seem to be interested in Tenchi at all."

"That can't be it," Ayeka shook her head, then emptied her glass. "Mihoshi and Kiyone don't seem interested in him either, and he doesn't treat _them_ special."

"Well, maybe they don't count," Ryoko smirked as her glass was refilled. "You know that Mihoshi and Kiyone are… you know…"

"They are _what_, Ryoko?" Ayeka's voice became suspicious. "What are you driving at?"

"Come on, it's so obvious!" Ryoko exclaimed. "Those two are so far in the closet, they found the Christmas presents! You know they only have eyes for each other!"

"You're imagining things, Ryoko," Ayeka sniffed haughtily. "They are partners, not lovers."

"_Life_-partners is more like it!" Ryoko chortled. "I've spent more time with Mihoshi than you have. Remember how she was before Kiyone showed up? She cried like a baby at the slightest setback."

Ayeka could not resist playing the devil's advocate. "We were shipwrecked. We _all_ cried."

"Well _she_ cried all the time," her rival insisted. "She was always crying about how much she wanted to go home. Then Kiyone showed up. Mihoshi never talked about going home after that. She even moved out of the Masaki house to live with Kiyone. I guess now that she had her partner back they needed a little privacy," the pirate winked mischievously.

"Your brain is always in the gutter," Ayeka scolded. "Mihoshi and Kiyone have a daughter-mother relationship not a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. Why does everything have to involve sex with you? Honestly, sometimes I think that you should fulfill Nobuyuki's wildest fantasies and settle down with _him_. The two of you could watch pornography and live perversely ever after together."

"Denial isn't just a river on this planet," Ryoko shook her head. "Honestly Ayeka, sometimes I don't know if you come from Jurai or Disneyland."

"There's a river named 'Denial'?" the princess asked.

"No, a river named duh _Nile_," Ryoko corrected. "You know, that desert with the pyramids in it? The river that flows through that area is named the Nile." The pirate took a sip from her shot glass.

"Since when are you so familiar with Terran geography?" Ayeka asked suspiciously. "Are you planning on spiriting Tenchi away and while we're searching the galaxy for him, you'd have him stashed someplace on Earth the whole time?"

Ryoko choked on her drink and tapped her collarbone with her fist. In fact she _had_ entertained the idea of finding a place where she and Tenchi could be alone without the rest of the household bothering them. She had watched the Travel Channel and had decided on Monte Carlo, because if James Bond went there all the time it just _had_ to be cool.

"No," she coughed and hacked, "don't be so silly! I just… wanted to learn about my adopted home planet that's all." When Ayeka didn't seem convinced, Ryoko added, "Unlike you, I intend to settle down for a nice boring ordinary life on Earth as Tenchi's nice boring ordinary housewife."

"Hmph!" Ayeka grunted. "Neither one of us is going to be Tenchi's wife if we don't do something about that alley cat!"

"What alley cat?" Ryoko had been so busy gossiping about the Galaxy Police officers, she had momentarily forgotten about Mary Sue. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "Her! Oh yeah! What are we going to do about her? What does she have that we don't have?"

"Maybe Tenchi likes short girls?" Ayeka muttered.

"Nope. Washu again," Ryoko burbled as the booze started to get to her. "She's about the same height. This is getting us nowhere. Where do we always go when we're too drunk or lazy to figure something out on our own?"

Back at the Masaki house, Washu was surprised to hear a knock on the door to her lab. She opened the door that led out the dimensionally transcendental complex she inhabited to see Princess Ayeka and the former space pirate Ryoko standing unsteadily outside, reeking of sake.

"Wow!" the redheaded genius exclaimed. "You two are plastered! Let me get you something to detoxify your bloodstream, girls!"

"Nonsense," Ayeka murmured as she woozily entered Washu's laboratory, "I've barely touched a drop."

"You can't do that," Ryoko joked. "Watching Ayeka suffering from a hangover is half the fun!"

"You are so cruel Ryoko," Ayeka snarled weakly.

"Ain't I a stinker?" Ryoko retorted while brandishing a carrot.

"Here girls," Washu said handing them some tablets and two small glass tumblers of water. "Take these pills. You should be fine in a few minutes."

"Thank you," Ayeka groaned before swallowing the pills.

"No wait," Ryoko squinted and tried to clear her head. "That's not why we came here. We wanted to know why Tenchi likes Mary Sue, that's it."

"Yes," Ayeka gasped after sipping her water. She wiped her mouth on her sleeve and added. "That's right. What is it about Mary Sue that makes her so special? What's so different about her?"

"Can't you tell?" Washu's face was full of mischief. "I thought it would be obvious."

"What's so obvious?" Ryoko asked before tossing her pills in her mouth.

"Maybe we are too close to the problem," Ayeka mused as Ryoko swallowed her water.

"Here let me show you." Washu sat down on her floating cushion and typed on her orange holographic keyboard. "Here is a silhouette representing Ryoko's body. Notice anything about it?"

"It looks like it belongs on a superheroine," Ryoko smiled. "Long limbs, slender but curvy build, full bosom. Nothing but perfection here!"

"Mm-hm," Washu nodded, then hit some more keys. "Now compare it to Ayeka's. Notice anything different about them?"

"Ayeka's not quite as tall as me," Ryoko shrugged, "and her thighs are a lot thicker. So what?"

"My thighs are not thicker!" Ayeka bristled. "You take that back you shrew!"

"Shrew, huh?" Ryoko snarled. "You're just jealous 'cause my figure is better than yours!"

"No it's not! I'll have you know that I was voted the most beautiful woman on Jurai before I left!"

"All of the women must have moved away then…" Ryoko retorted.

"Hey!" Washu shouted to get their attention. "Do you want to know why Tenchi likes Mary Sue or don't you! You can shut up or you can take it outside! You can't fight in here ya know!"

"Sorry," the two taller girls mumbled.

"Do go on, Lady Washu," Ayeka prodded.

"Okay, let's cut to the chase," Washu typed, eager to get the duo out of her lab, "Let's add the silhouettes of both Mihoshi and Kiyone to the list. Now observe them standing side by side. Notice anything about them?"

"They are all slender, curvaceous and beautiful," Ayeka sighed, "but that doesn't prove anything. Tenchi hasn't chosen any of us."

"Let's add Sasami and me to get the whole picture," Washu said as she hit a few holographic keys. "What do you notice about them?"

"You've both got big heads and little tiny bodies," Ryoko snickered. "You look like little leprechauns compared to the rest of us."

"That's right," Washu nodded, not even getting offended, "but what else do you notice about them. What do all of these figures have in common?"

"Erm, they're all girls," Ryoko offered.

"They are all thin and willowy?" Ayeka guessed.

"Go to the head of the class, your highness," Washu smiled. She hit another key. "And now let's add Mary Sue to the ensemble. What's the first thing that you notice?"

Ryoko frowned in disbelief. "Compared to the rest of us, she looks like a little butterball!"

"Now there's some large thighs," Ayeka gloated. "Honestly just look at that woman! Her butt is so big that you could hide a lunch box in it!"

"Yeah," Ryoko snickered. "Each butt cheek is the size of Sasami's little rump. What a fatso!"

"Her breasts are big enough to hide Ryo-ohki in," Ayeka smiled cruelly, "and still have room for Ken-ohki!" The princess then cackled in her rather witchy laugh.

"That's right," Washu smirked. "Mary Sue is just too much woman for you two to compete with!"

Ayeka and Ryoko's laughter died in their throats.

"What!" Ayeka cooed. "You don't mean…"

"Who knew Tenchi was a chubby-chaser?" gulped a horrified Ryoko.

"I guess beauty really _is_ in the eye of the beholder," Washu smiled.

_Next: No Need for a Scheme_


	5. No Need For A Scheme

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Geneon/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Geneon/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter Five: __No Need for a Scheme_

A set of stone stairs led up the mountain from the Nobuyuki's house in front of the tiny lake that was nicknamed 'the pond'. At the top of the steps was the actual shrine that included a cave, an obelisk, and a little house. Inside the little house lived an old man named Katsuhito, the grandfather of Tenchi.

He had made himself a cup of tea and a small snack when the cyan-haired Ryoko phased through the wall behind him like a ghost. He didn't seem startled in the least. Nor did he appear to resent the intrusion on his privacy. As a matter of fact, he didn't acknowledge her presence at all.

Flustered by the old man's calm, Ryoko stammered out a respectful greeting that was almost nonsensical. "Er… honorable father, could I honorably ask… um… an honorable favor for…" The golden-eyed space pirate slapped her own cheek and shook her head to clear it. "Could I use your phone?" she asked in a more rational voice.

"Mm-hm," Katsuhito nodded, the first indication that he was aware of her presence.

"Thank you," Ryoko said as she reached to the phone.

In the Masaki house at the bottom of the hill, the telephone rang in the living room.

"I'll get it," Mihoshi said as she entered the room and reached for the phone. "Hello, Masaki home, Mihoshi speaking… Oh my! That makes me sound like I married into family, doesn't it? What do you think? Do you think it sounds that way?"

Those weren't the words that Ryoko wanted to hear. She bristled at the thought of the dizzy blonde marrying her Tenchi. "Grrrr! Get a grip!" the pirate growled, then she drew a breath and got into character. "This here is Billy Bob Starwalker," the pirate drawled in her best approximation of Mary Sue's accent. "Ah need ta speak ta Mary Sue, li'l lady."

"Oh wow, a call for Mary Sue!" Mihoshi gushed. "But how did you know she was here?"

"Ah…not important," Ryoko replied. "Could y'all just get Mary Sue for me? Thank ya very much," she added in her best Elvis Presley voice. She didn't notice Katsuhito inching his table closer so he could listen in on the bizarre conversation.

"Okay, just a minute," Mihoshi said happily as she walked around the house holding the cordless phone to her ear. "Mary! It's for you!" she called putting her hand over the receiver.

"Fer me?" the redhead responded incredulously. "But who knows Ah'm here?"

"It's Billy Bob, Mary Sue," Mihoshi replied guilelessly as she held the phone out to the chunky redhead.

"Billy Bob!" Mary Sue exclaimed as she took the phone from Mihoshi. "How did he know Ah wuz here?" She put the phone to her ear. "Hello, Billy Bob? Is thet you?"

"It shore is!" Ryoko replied with an exaggerated accent. "Pa wants yuh tuh come home right now, cuz, Bubba and Daisy Mae are gettin' married!"

"Cousin Bubba?" Mary Sue repeated. "Cousin Daisy? Gettin' hitched?"

"Urk!" Ryoko figured that anyone named Mary Sue had to know someone called Bubba who knew a Daisy Mae. She hadn't counted on all of them being relatives.

"Ain't they already married?" Mary Sue asked.

"Er…" Ryoko hummed and hawed. She wasn't expecting that either. "Um… they got divorced… but they're back together now…"

"Well ah shore hope so, or else Uncle Zeke'll cut 'em out uh his will!" Mary exclaimed.

Ryoko put a hand over her eyes.

"Ah don't believe those two!" Mary Sue rambled on, apparently addicted to the sound of her own voice. "How could they git divorced with all their youngin's? Bobby Jo, an' Billy Rae, an' Jerry Lee, and Robert Lee…"

Ryoko clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle nervous laughter. Was this girl for real? Was she putting her on?

"…an' Suzy Que, an' li'l Bo, an' li'l Flo, an' little, little, li'l Joe…"

How many kids did those people have? Was this girl going to list the name of every relative she had?

"…an' Daisy hez one on the way! How could Bubba sink so low?"

"Well he…" Ryoko started, trying to get a word in edgewise.

"Ah mean, how could he leave Daisy Mae? Ah'll bet it wuz thet tramp Betty Lou! She's bin tryin' ta git her mitts on Bubba ever since they wuz in grammar school! That woman's bin trouble since th' day she wuz born! Mah momma always said thet no good would come of thet girl…"

"Bubba would…" Ryoko made a second attempt to interrupt.

"Before Ah left Ah saw thet no good Betty Lou in the department store a-tryin' on make up! Ah swear, ef she wuzn't mah sister I'd fill her full o' buckshot!"

Night fell on the Masaki house. As dinner was served, Sasami noticed that someone was missing. "Where's Ryoko?" the little princess asked. It's not like her to skip a meal!"

"Meow?" Ryo-ohki echoed.

"I'm sure she's out shopping," Ayeka lied quickly. "She told me that she was going to town and might be late."

"Okay," Sasami nodded as she dished up.

In Ryoko's usual seat, Mary Sue was talking on the cordless phone. "So then Ah tell her wut Sallie Mae told me whut Bobby Rae tol' Billy Joe…"

At Katsuhito's house, Ryoko sat miserably listening to the phone while the old man served her some dinner.

The moon rose and the inhabitants of the Masaki house went to bed. All became quiet, with the exception of Mary Sue talking on the phone as she painted her nails. "So then Ah said 'nuh-uh!' an' she said 'ah-huh!' an' Ah said 'nuh-uh!' an' she said 'ah-huh…'"

At Katsuhito's house, Ryoko had fallen asleep holding the phone up to her ear.

The next morning, Tenchi Masaki summoned the courage to walk up to Mary Sue and start a conversation.

"Here," he said as he presented the cherubic redhead with a bouquet of flowers, "for you."

"Fer me?" the stocky girl gushed. "Why that's so sweet! Y'all's gotta be the nicest boy in th' galaxy, lettin' me stay here and treatin' me so nice an all…"

As Tenchi blushed and stammered his reply Ayeka and Ryoko looked jealously on.

"It's time for drastic measures," Ayeka hissed.

"What did you have in mind?" Ryoko whispered back.

Ayeka hung her head and sighed. "I've wracked my brain, but the only solution I can think of is to drag the honor of Jurai's royal family through the mud."

Ryoko seemed to cheer up at this. "Do tell, Princess, give me the details…"

After Katsuhito dragged Tenchi away for his weekend chores and training session, Ayeka and Ryoko confronted the buxom redhead in the living room.

"Miss Starwalker," Ayeka addressed Mary Sue in her most formal and official tones, "It appears that Lord Tenchi is quite smitten with you."

"Why yes," Mary Sue responded. "Ah've always been popular with the menfolk. When Ah wuz just fifteen Ah met m' first real boyfriend…"

"Please, don't interrupt!" Ayeka snapped as she held up her hand. After witnessing the bubbly chatterbox on the telephone she had no intention of letting Mary Sue prattle on until sundown.

"Whut?" Mary Sue's eyes narrowed in irritation and for a moment it appeared as if she had forgotten that she was speaking to the first princess of Jurai.

"Lord Tenchi is quite an important person," Ayeka continued. "As a matter of fact, he really _is_ the crown prince of Jurai."

"Yore puttin' me on!" Mary Sue grinned.

Ayeka valiantly continued, not letting Mary Sue interrupt her. "…And if you wish to be one of his wives there are certain protocols you must follow…"

"One of his wives?" Mary Sue repeated. "Are y'all Mormons or somethin'?"

"For starters, when out in public, his wives must walk at least three feet behind him at all times in the order they married him…" Ayeka instructed.

"Not likely…" Mary Sue interjected.

"And each wife is expected to pleasure him at least once a week…" the princess droned on.

"Pleasure him?" Mary asked, "you mean…?"

"Last night it was Sasami's turn," Ryoko added. "As the newest wife, you'll spend the night with him after her."

"Li'l Sasami!" Mary Sue uttered in disbelief. "That's sick!"

"And you'll have to wear a kimono like the rest of us," Ayeka continued.

"With no underwear, in case Tenchi gets in the mood to…you know…" Ryoko winked. "Easy access and all."

"Then there is your daily list of chores," Ayeka said.

"This house doesn't clean itself," Ryoko nodded.

"Cooking, and cleaning, and laundry…" Ayeka listed.

"And of course, you will be expected to wait on him hand and foot," Ryoko chimed in.

"And you may be required to sexually entertain his guests," Ayeka said with the straightest face she could muster. "As the newest wife, I'm afraid that duty will go to you first."

"Which is a good thing, 'cause last time Sasami had a nervous breakdown," Ryoko deadpanned. "I'm afraid that the Governor of the planet Ruyten was a little rough on her."

"But you look like a lady who can look after herself," Ayeka assured her.

"Well, okay… Ah guess…" Mary Sue scratched her head. "Ef that's whut it takes, then Ah guess Ah gotta do it."

"What?" Ayeka gasped.

"You two were havin' me on!" Mary Sue grinned. "Ah swear, yuh really had me goin' there too! Back home we loves ta tell tall tales! Why Ah remember th' time we tol' this revenuer thet Jimmy Lee had a still over in Beggar's Holler…"

Ayeka and Ryoko groaned as the Mary Sue chattered on with anecdotes about her hometown. They had played both the bigamist and pedophile card at the same time to no avail. What would they do if Mary Sue fell in love with Tenchi?

_Next: No Need for a Fight_


	6. No Need For A Fight

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Geneon/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Geneon/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter Six: No Need for a Fight_

Things came to a head at lunchtime.

Mihoshi and Kiyone had returned from their apartment hunting expedition to town and joined the household at mealtime. Sasami was dishing up and Tenchi thoughtlessly provided the lit match for the powder keg.

"Mary Sue, would you be willing to stay here once the ion storm blows over?" the boy asked her. "Washu says that the front will pass for a few days before returning. I was wondering if you'd like to stay with us."

"Oh I don't want to be a burden, darlin'," Mary Sue assured him.

Tenchi paled, and then drew a breath and continued. "Oh it would be no bother. I really want you to stay. Here. To prove it, I bought you this friendship ring." He pulled a tiny box out of his pocket. "I'd be honored if you wore it."

"Why Tenchi!" Mihoshi gushed. "That's so sweet!"

"You must be very happy, Mary Sue!" Sasami exclaimed.

"Uh-oh," Washu closed her eyes and shook her head. "Trouble's brewin'."

"Now Tenchi," Kiyone smiled. "You don't want to scare Mary Sue off, do you?"

"The world is ending," Ayeka murmured quietly.

"Is this a joke?" Ryoko growled in disbelief.

"That's very sweet darlin'," Mary Sue chided, "but Ah'd be no better'n Betty Lou if Ah took advantage of you like thet."

"No please, stay," Tenchi pleaded. "I insist. I want you to be part of my family…"

"Why garsh! Yer makin' me blush!" the voluptuous visitor exclaimed. "Okay, yuh got a deal! Ah'm between jobs anyway!"

"You tramp!" Ryoko stood up at the table to challenge the newcomer. "How dare you steal Tenchi away like that!"

"Huh?" the buxom redhead seemed genuinely puzzled. "Whut're yuh talkin' about?"

Ayeka stood up next to Ryoko to provide a solid front against Mary. "Yes," the princess nodded. "Ryoko and I have been competing for Lord Tenchi's affections ever since we came here and now you steal him out from under us!"

"Whut're yuh talkin' about?" Mary Sue asked them. "Y'all lahk Tenchi? Fer real?"

"Well of course!" Ayeka exclaimed. "Why do you suppose we're always fighting over him?"

"No offense, Princess, but Ah thought th' two uh yuh wuz lesbians," Mary Sue blurted without thinking.

"What!" Ryoko shouted. "You brainless cow! How could you think that?"

"Preposterous!" Ayeka exclaimed. "You must be out of your mind! How could you possibly think such a thing?"

"Well, it's yore body language," Mary Sue said apologetically. "You two seem lahk a couple. And Ryoko, no offense, but thet hairstyle doesn't exactly say 'Ah lahk men'."

Despite herself, Ayeka had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing.

"That's it!" Ryoko snarled. "Step outside, girly. I'd hate to get blood on the carpet."

"Yore on!" the full figured little redhead responded. "The only chicken in this house is on the barbeque!"

Soon the household was outside to watch the fight between the cyan-tressed Ryoko and the flame haired plucky newcomer.

"Please! Stop this!" Tenchi cried, as Ayeka and Washu held him back.

"Don't be ridiculous, Lord Tenchi, you'll be injured!" Ayeka scolded.

"And I'll be out a thousand yen if you interfere with the fight!" Washu added.

"But Mary Sue will get hurt!" Tenchi protested.

"I know," Ayeka smiled fiendishly.

"Okay, sister!" Ryoko shook her fist. "Let's see what you've got!"

"B'ware uh whut yuh wish fer, 'cause yuh jus' might git it!" Mary Sue shouted from her position, ten yards away from the space pirate.

"Oh no!" gasped a horrified Sasami.

"I can't watch!" Mihoshi added as she put her hands over her eyes.

"Go get her, Mary Sue!" Kiyone shouted. When Mihoshi and Sasami gave the teal-haired woman dirty looks she said: "What? You expect me to cheer for the pirate?"

"Shouldn't you stop this?" Sasami asked her.

"Do you really think that I can?" Kiyone retorted.

"Never mind," Sasami sighed.

Ryoko put her hands together and brilliant motes of light gathered to form a sphere of concentrated energy.

Mary Sue jumped in the air and assumed a fetal position. The fiery redhead spun in a horizontal axis in midair until she was just a flame haired ball. Ryoko's beams of energy were harmlessly deflected off the scarlet sphere.

Well, mostly harmlessly. Sasami, Mihoshi, and Kiyone screamed and ran away was beams of energy flew in different directions.

"Sasami! Come to me!" Ayeka shouted as tiny logs appeared in the air around her.

"Quick, girls, get under the force field!" Washu shouted to the little princess and the Galaxy Police detectives.

Soon everyone was cowering underneath Ayeka's force field as explosions filled the air.

When the smoke cleared, Ryoko was attacking Mary Sue with a sword formed out of pink energy. Mary Sue was parrying with her rapier. It was fascinating to see bushido swordsmanship versus swashbuckling fencing. Ryoko could fly and disappear like a ghost, and Mary Sue was surprisingly spry and acrobatic for such a short stocky woman. When cornered, Mary Sue would curl into a fetal ball and roll quickly to another part of the battlefield, only to spring to her feet with uncanny speed. Tenchi had always felt that Ryoko had gone easy on Ayeka during their fights, but it appeared that Mary Sue could hold her own.

"Ha!" Mary Sue challenged. "Ya got nothin' on me, ya lily-livered polecat!"

"Oh yeah?" the flying Ryoko retorted while hefting a giant boulder over her head. "That's what you think! Take this!"

As she tossed the boulder at Mary Sue, the redhead rolled back out of the way. To Ryoko's surprise, Mary Sue lifted the boulder and threw it back at her.

"What?" Ryoko vanished as the rock flew by, only reappear when it was safe. "Oh no!" she cried as she looked behind her to see the boulder heading straight for Tenchi and the rest of the girls. "Look out below!"

"Ahh!" Ayeka and the others screamed. All at once Ayeka's tiny logs grew sprouts and turned into grown trees as the boulder shattered against her force field.

"Ayeka!" Ryoko shouted. "Tenchi!"

"Oh m' gosh!" Mary Sue exclaimed as she ran and jiggled up to the copse of trees. "Is everybody all raht?"

"I'm alive, thank gawd," Kiyone exhaled.

"Wow, I thought our number was up on that one!" Mihoshi giggled.

"Ayeka, wake up!" Sasami pleaded.

"Wow that really must have taken a lot out of her," Washu mused as she and Tenchi held Ayeka's limp form.

Ayeka simply made noises like "errrrrg-uhhhhh" and seemed to be very dizzy.

"Ah'm sorry, Princess," Mary Sue took off her hat and lowered her head. "Ah didn't mean nothin' bah it. Mah deddy wuz raht, Ah'm nothin' but trouble. It seems lahk all Ah do is start fahts where'ver ah go…"

"I can relate," Ryoko sighed. "I'm sorry too, Mary Sue," the pirate extended her hand. "I guess I'm just a sore loser."

"Thet's okay," Mary Sue shook her hand. "Ah guess thet Ah gots too much personality. I shouldn't hev called y'all lesbians."

"That's okay," Mihoshi chirped. "Kiyone and I thought that Ayeka and Ryoko were lovers too!"

"What?" Ayeka screeched, suddenly rejuvenated. "You thought Ryoko and I were lesbians?"

"Oh sure," Mihoshi said breezily. "I mean, it's so obvious! The two of you fight all the time, and yet you're inseparable! And the way you get jealous over Ryoko, Ayeka. It's pretty obvious that you don't like Ryoko flirting with Tenchi right in front of you."

Kiyone seemed to be panicking and waved her arms in an attempt to get Mihoshi to shut up.

"I was jealous because I like Tenchi, you twit!" Ayeka growled. "I'm not in love with Ryoko!"

"Sure, you like Tenchi too," Mihoshi smiled. "After all, he's the only man girly enough for you to have a physical attraction to. Honestly, if Jurai's royal family wants any heirs, it's a good thing that Tenchi is so feminine that even Ellen Degeneres would be interested in him. I really think that you…"

Mihoshi's words were cut off as her teal-haired partner clamped her hand over her mouth. "Well you shut up all ready? Can't you see you're digging us in deeper and deeper?" Kiyone hissed. A trickle of sweat came out of her headband as an embarrassed smile crossed her lips. "Heh-heh. Just ignore her."

"What do you mean?" Tenchi clenched his fist and shrieked. "I'm manly. I'm plenty manly! Eep!" Embarrassed at how high-pitched and whiney he sounded he added in a deep voice. "I'm plenty manly."

"_Sure_ yuh are, darlin'," Mary Sue teased.

"You bubbleheaded bimbo!" Ayeka shook her fist at Mihoshi. "How dare you two carpet munchers have the gall to think that Ryoko and I are lovers! You two idiots should have your heads examined to see if there's a single brain cell between you!"

"Hey, be careful princess," Ryoko said as she put her hand on Ayeka's shoulder. "You've already strained yourself. You don't want to overdo it you know."

"Don't touch me, Ryoko!" Ayeka snapped as she slapped her hand away. "Your touchy-feelyness is the reason those two lamebrained lesbians think we're a couple!"

"Hey!" Ryoko rubbed her injured hand indignantly, then got a fiendish smile on her face. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I'll try to be more subtle next time," she said with false sweetness.

"What are you talking about?" Ayeka growled.

"You're always acting like this, Ayeka," Ryoko said with exaggerated concern. "I'm sorry that I make you jealous. I'm just trying to instill some passion in the relationship."

"Passion in the relationship?" Ayeka repeated. "Stop it, Ryoko!" she growled. "It's not funny! We are best friends and that's all!"

Ryoko winked at Mary Sue, and then her voice became even more syrupy. "I know, sweetheart," the pirate cooed. "I know how I can be sometimes… But you know deep down I really love you… There are no others…"

"Stop talking like that!" Ayeka ordered. "They're not going to realize you're joking! I'm warning you!"

"Oh Ayeka, are we going to fight?" the pirate asked in mock concern. "That's too bad, I hate it when we fight…" Ryoko winked cheekily, "but the make-up sex is _incredible_!"

"Oh you!" Ayeka seized Ryoko by the shoulders and shook her. "Yi-di-I-my-gah-doo!" the princess sputtered.

"Careful Princess, you're no longer using words," Ryoko smiled devilishly, all pretense at sweetness gone.

"You are just so impossible!" Ayeka howled to the heavens. "How do I put up with you?"

_Next: No Need for Insults_


	7. No Need For Insults

**No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman**

_By Galaxy1001D._

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Geneon/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Geneon/Funamation, the author, or this website._

_Chapter Seven: No Need for Insults _

The sun shone down on Tenchi's father as he returned home from his business trip. After all that time away it would be good to get home and see what kind of mischief the girls had got themselves in this time. He wondered if Mihoshi and Kiyone had found a new apartment yet. He wondered if his son liked girls and had finally chosen one of the interstellar beauties to be his bride…

While walking along the stone path that led threw the mountains to the Masaki shrine he met Katsuhito along the way. "Hi, Dad!" Nobuyuki waved. "Did anything interesting happen when I was gone?"

"As a matter of fact it did," the old man smiled. "It seems you've got another pretty lady in your house."

"Another one?" Nobuyuki laughed. "How does he do it? Is Tenchi a Prince Charming or what? So tell me, what's the new girl like?"

"She's a feisty redhead, like Washu, and she's a rogue like Ryoko," Katsuhito replied, "but the most interesting thing about her is that Tenchi is head over heels about her."

Nobuyuki's eyes lit up. "Oh really?" he exclaimed. "That _is_ interesting! I can't wait to take a look at the woman who's so hot that even Tenchi can't ignore her!"

"Now now," the old man chided. "Tenchi never ignored any of them. All of those beautiful girls at once were just too much to handle, that's all."

"I thought Tenchi liked boys!" Nobuyuki almost shouted. "Why else do you think I was so happy when I thought the Tenchi got Ryoko pregnant?"

"Tenchi is just a gentleman…" Katsuhito attempted to get a word in edgewise.

"Honestly, I'd just about given up hope of continuing the family line!" Nobuyuki continued. "I can't wait to get home and see the mother of my future grandchildren!"

Katsuhito just shook his head. "Try not to scare her off."

At the Masaki house, foreboding was in the air. Washu gazed sadly at Tenchi who had cut his hair, trimmed his nails, taken a bath, and was dressed sharply. He had an arm around Mary Sue as they both sat on the couch and made sickeningly sweet faces at each other.

During the 1950's, in the state of Nevada in the United States an archeologist and adventurer named Henry 'Indiana' Jones Jr. survived an atomic blast by hiding in a refrigerator. The next year, in Hawaii, a man from Milwaukee named Arthur Fonzarelli jumped over a pack of maneating sharks while wearing water skis. Washu feared that an event of equal significance was happening right before her eyes. Although she wished Tenchi and Mary Sue the greatest happiness, things just wouldn't be the same anymore.

Ryoko and Ayeka sat at the table, gazing sadly at Mary Sue and Tenchi. Their faces were so sullen that they appeared to be attending a funeral.

"This blows," Ryoko muttered to no one in particular.

"Yes," Ayeka listlessly agreed. "They certainly seem comfortable together, don't they?"

Mihoshi and Kiyone were also at the table, perpendicular to the princess and the pirate.

"Wow, who knew that after all this time, Tenchi would finally find a girl he really likes?" the bubbly Mihoshi.

"Who guessed that Washu wasn't joking when she bet me a hundred yen that Tenchi liked girls?" Kiyone groaned.

Suddenly the door slid open.

"I'm home…!" Nobuyuki called joyfully. "Now where is the lovely young woman who has won my son's heart?"

"Hi Dad!" Tenchi waved. "I'd like to introduce you to Mary Sue Starwalker!

"That's nice, Tenchi," he father nodded. "Hello, Miss Starwalker." He shook her hand. "Now, my boy, where's this special lady I've heard so much about?"

"What do you mean?" the boy asked.

"I heard there's a new girl from outer space and this time you're in love with her!" exclaimed his happy father, who glanced around hoping to spy an ethereal vision of loveliness. "So where is she? I can't wait to welcome her into our family!"

A bead of sweat appeared on Tenchi's forehead. "Uh, you just did. She's right here in front of you. You just met her."

"Really?" Nobuyuki asked. "Who?"

"Mary Sue Starwalker," Tenchi explained. "She's the girl I wanted you to meet. She sure is something, isn't she Dad?"

"Her?" gasped an incredulous Nobuyuki. "The fat one? Are you telling me out of all these women you've chosen the _fat one_?"

"Dad!" Tenchi protested in horror.

"Excuse me?" Mary Sue asked in a dangerous voice.

"Dad, what's the matter with you?" Tenchi scolded. "You've always told me I was too shy with women!"

Nobuyuki was still too stunned to control his tongue. "Yeah, but I always figured you'd choose someone… I don't know… thinner…"

"Dad, you're embarrassing me!" Tenchi growled. "You've got to watch what you say! She's going to be living with us, you know!"

"She is?" Nobuyuki blinked. "How come?"

"You've let all the other girls stay with us," his son pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's when they were all a bunch of hot and sexy girls," His father said heedlessly. "I'd never open my door to a fat girl."

"A fat girl!" Mary Sue shouted. "Thet's it! How long did you say there wuz a break in th' ion storm Miz Washu?"

"It should be safe for the next two hours," Washu replied, "but if you want to go anywhere I'd put as much distance between you and this sector as possible."

"Not a problem!" Mary Sue got up and stomped to the door. "Ef that's th' way he feels, then good-bye!"

"No wait!" Tenchi ran after her. "Mary Sue! Don't go! He didn't mean it!"

"Huh?" the girls made cooing noises as they looked questioningly at each other, then they rose to walk outside to witness the drama.

Outside, Mary Sue was striding down the dock to the egg shaped spacecraft that she arrived in. Tenchi was attempting to block her path and slow her down anyway he could.

"Please! Mary Sue! Don't leave me!!" the boy cried. "I apologize for my Dad! He didn't mean it! Honestly!"

"Ah'm sorry, Tenchi," Mary Sue marched resolutely towards her ship. "Mah deddy always tol' me thet you could always tell a skunk bah th' way it stinks. Th' apple don't fall very fur from th' tree an' a leopard don't change his spots…"

"Please! Don't go!" Tenchi implored. "I'm not my Dad! I would never even think such a thing! You've got to believe me!"

"Ah do believe yuh," she said sadly, "but it's only a matter a time afore yuh become lahk yore old man, Tenchi. Sorry son, but it just wuzn't tuh be."

"I'm not my Dad!" Tenchi whined. "Come on! You are always going on about your sister Betty Lou and what a tramp she is!"

"Are you callin' mah sister a tramp?" Mary Sue fixed her steely eyes on the boy.

"Wait a minute!" Tenchi protested. "You're the one who calls your sister a tramp not me!"

"Ah knew it," grumbled the buxom space girl. "Yuh are just lahk yer pappy. Don't nobody insult mah sister but me!"

Before Tenchi could react she punched his jaw and sent him tumbling into the water.

Mary Sue entered the cockpit of her spacecraft and closed the door. "No good Earthman's after mah body and his no good pappy sez ah'm too fat…" the door shut, rendering the rest of her words imperceptible as Tenchi climbed out of the water to prostrate himself on the dock.

"Mary Sue!" he shouted as the spaceship rose from the water and into the sky. "Come back! I love you! Come back!"

The spaceship soared into the distance and disappeared from sight.

"Bye bye!" Ayeka and Ryoko chorused as they smiled and waved handkerchiefs at the vanishing spaceship. "Don't come back for a long time…" they sang.

"Mary Sue! Mary Sue!" Tenchi collapsed on the dock and started crying. "Come back! Come baaack!"

Ryoko appeared next to him with an electronic hum. "There there, Tenchi!" she said as she put her arms around him. "It's going to be okay. Let Ryoko help you forget _all about_ that girl and everything will be fine." The beautiful buccaneer tried to be sympathetic but her cheerful demeanor spoiled the effect somewhat.

Ryoko's cheerful attitude disappeared when Ayeka pushed her into the water. Tenchi was so far in his depression he seemed to be ignoring the world.

"Tenchi, darling," the first princess of Jurai cooed in his deaf ear. "It's going to be all right. You are young and handsome and there are plenty of women who would jump at the chance to be your girlfriend. In the meantime, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just need someone to talk to, my door is open, day or night!" Like Ryoko, Princess Ayeka was too happy to make her words sound sincere.

"Hey, you witch!" A dripping wet Ryoko snarled at Ayeka's face. She would have pushed the impudent princess into the water but with Ayeka's arms around Tenchi, there was too much of a chance of the boy going in the drink too. "What are you doing with your arms around my Tenchi? He's depressed enough as it is without _you_ getting in his face!"

"Lord Tenchi needs consoling," Ayeka insisted, "and he needs the companionship of a loved one. He doesn't need _you_ to upset him any further."

"If Tenchi needs consoling _I'm_ the one that will do it!" Ryoko declared as Tenchi ignored both of them and let the two women pull him back and forth like a mannequin.

As Kiyone, Mihoshi, Nobuyuki, Katsuhito, and Sasami stared at the unfolding spectacle, Washu started laughing.

"What's so funny, Washu?" Sasami asked the greatest genius in the universe.

"I just thought of something that Ryoko once said in one of her more melodramatic moments," Washu smiled mischievously. "She said that no force in the universe could conquer romantic love. I think we just found a force that can. It's called 'parents'!"

As Washu cackled wickedly, Katsuhito and Kiyone gave Nobuyuki disgusted and angry looks. Tenchi's father blushed and smiled sheepishly as he shuffled his feet and scratched the back of his neck.

After Mary Sue left Earth to return to the stars life returned to normal at the Masaki house. Well almost normal. Sasami's duties as the household cook were doubled due to the obsessions of two of the housemates.

"Kiyone, we've got to stop them from killing themselves!" A tearful Mihoshi pleaded.

"Maybe Tenchi can stop them," Kiyone suggested. "They'll listen to him, won't they? Where _is_ Tenchi, anyway?"

"He's in his room playing country western CD's," Washu told her. "You know, the old school 'I've got a tear in my beer' stuff."

"Sasami!" Ayeka called from the dinner table. "Is the next course ready yet?"

"What's taking so long?" Ryoko complained from her seat next to the princess. "Bring on the grub!"

"Coming!" Sasami announced as she used her oven mitts to carry out a heavy pot of fried rice, chopped pork and beef. "Here you go!"

When she set the pot down on the table Ayeka and Ryoko filled their bowls and started shoveling the meal into their faces as fast as their chopsticks could move. Sasami picked up a large empty bowl next to the full one and took it back to the kitchen.

"Ayeka, Ryoko, you've got to stop this!" Mihoshi pleaded. "Think of your health!"

"I can't," Ayeka insisted. "I haven't gained near enough weight yet."

"This food is too healthy," Ryoko complained. "We need to eat something more fattening! Hey Sasami! Bring out the potato chips will ya?"

_End_


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